I Don’t Live There Anymore

Almost 7 years ago my life’s dreams and plans were shattered into a million pieces on the floor….like they’ve never been before.  The life I knew vanished in a moment and would never be the same again. 

My soul mate and best friend went to sleep the night before Father’s Day and never woke up again.  I’m so very thankful he went so peacefully, and that we kissed and told each other I love you before going to sleep. But, I was also very angry that he left me to deal with life on my own.  How am I supposed to do that?  I’m pretty independent, but I relied on him for so many things.

The support around me was overwhelming, but no matter how thoughtful people tried to be, their words fell short.  I felt like the weight of the world had driven me to my knees.  How am I supposed to live without him?  Who am I now?  It was Scott and Debbie… Who is Debbie now that Scott has been erased?   Will I ever get back to the one I used to be? Can I even remember who I used to be before Scott?

Trying to figure out the answer to all of these questions put me in the rut where I’ve been stuck for years.  My heart has been stuck in neutral and some days reverse.   I’ve been striving to live the life we lived together instead of beginning my new journey on my own.

Beginning….think about what that word really means.  I finally understand that I’m not going to be the same person I was with him.  I can’t live the same life.

It’s alright now.  I’m my own and love’s healing hands have pulled me through this rough unknown terrain.  I’m getting back up and taking one step after another in faith.  I’m gonna leave the darkness and head toward His heavenly light where He’ll continue to guide me in the right direction.  My journey has just begun…..again.  I can feel the sun and wind on my skin and I feel alive. 

Every trial, heartbreak and every scar is a reminder of who has carried me this far.  If I try to look into the future I can’t see a thing.  But, His love sees further than I ever could.  And, the great news is I know that right here, right now, heaven is working it all out…..for my good!

The door to yesterday is closed and locked.  I don’t live there anymore.  It’s time for me to close my eyes and breathe this reality in.  The shadows are falling away as I step into the light of His amazing grace.  It’s finally time to say goodbye to where I’ve been and let my heart begin to beat again.

Thank you Danny Gokey for your song, Tell Your Heart to Beat Again! If my life had no music, then I wouldn’t want to be in it.

3 thoughts on “I Don’t Live There Anymore

  1. Yes….I cried. I’ll never forget that day. We were all devasted for your loss, but for all us losing such a wonderful man. I miss Scott so much and think of him often. Through this, you’ve been amazing. You’ve been doing exactly what Scott would have wanted. Living your life and doing your best to be happy. I love you Sister.


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