This Can’t Be Real

Has it really been almost seven years since that life changing Father’s Day morning?  In some ways it seems like yesterday.  It’s amazing how your whole world can completely change in just an instant.

I was surprised and excited when, for once, I woke up before Scott.  He was always up first and would bring me my first cup of coffee with a good morning kiss. Yes, I was spoiled by him.  Now it was my turn to spoil and treat him special…after all it was Father’s Day. 

I tiptoed to the kitchen and fixed us coffee and grabbed his Father’s Day card and proudly walked back to the bedroom to wake him.  I set his coffee on the nightstand and said Happy Father’s Day baby….no response.  I touched him and then I knew.  He was gone. 

The world as I knew it stopped spinning that day.  I fell to the ground and cried out without a sound.  My whole existence was broken. No God….this can’t be real.  Wake him up!  The rest of the day and following week was spent in a cloudy haze with so many people coming in and out. 

For so long afterwards I lost hope and felt so alone and no one knew how many silent tears were falling.  Each day was a struggle to care about anything at all.  I felt like I was walking through deep mud trying to lift one foot after the other just to get through each day. The threat of emptiness and abandonment consumed me.

Well, that was then and this is now.  It took a while, but now I know that I’m not alone….even when I’m home by myself.  God is and always has been with me and making all the pieces fit back together. As Kelly Clarkson says in her song, Teacher I feel the dots connecting.

I grow stronger every day.  I’m not that scared little girl any more.  I can take on so much more than I ever imagined.  It’s amazing the strength God gives you when you feel you have none of your own.  It’s truly been quite the journey.

At first I was running and hiding from the world…so afraid and unsure of myself.  I didn’t know who I was without him. Not anymore!  I feel that with God’s strength I’m invincible.  Nothing is impossible with Him by my side.

His truth is my strength.  He gives me courage and I feel I have to share this news with someone who may be going through tough times too.  I’m not saying every day is a picnic, but time does help heal the wound. The loving memory of Scott will always be with me and for that I am forever grateful.

So, no matter what you may be going through at this point in your life, He is there….even if you can’t feel His presence.  He’s patiently waiting for you to remember Him when you feel all alone. 

Yes, you may sometimes feel that this can’t be real and your world may spin out of your control, but not out of His.  He’ll help you build a brand new world.  You are never alone.