When Will I Ever Learn?

I hate me when I act this way.  I think I may have thrown a few history making hissy fits today. Ok, I know I did. Awful words, I hardly ever say, were spewing from my lips.  Not at anyone, just my computer and inanimate objects that didn’t obey me.  My face has been in a perpetual scowling state. My dog didn’t even wanna be around me.

I begged God to make me stop acting like a spoiled, entitled brat, but I guess He’s not listening!!!  Ok, fine I know He’s listening.  It’s just so much easier to blame Him.  It couldn’t possibly be me and my chosen reactions to silly stupid things that don’t go according to my high purpose and timing.  Or, could it?  

When I behave this way, I’m not fit company for anyone.  I don’t even like to be in the same room with me.  I told God, “I’m not even worth forgiving today, so I’m not even gonna ask for it.”  But, after a good deal of guilt and pouting I eventually did, but it took a good talking to…to myself. 

The good news is, the day looks brighter and I’m all better now.  He did forgive me like He does every minute of every day.  The forgiveness and acceptance always feels like a stone being lifted from my shoulders.  His brilliant light breaks through the darkness I’m in. His grace amazes me every day! 

The truth be told, this road of life can feel like it is mile after mile….all up a rocky hill.  I get weary and totally focused on myself at times, just like everyone else.  It’s when I’m in the land of weariness and Debbieville that I lose control of my reactions so quickly.  Immediate guilt and unworthiness ensues. 

God, there are days I have doubts and wonder if even You can fix the mess I’m in.  Or truly wonder why You put up with me. You know how it is…the days that nothing seems to go the way it should.  I pray but nothing happens.  I don’t understand it!!!! I prayed ten minutes ago!!!! Where are You? 

At the peak of unworthiness, the Holy Spirit prompts me to stop and turn around and look back at where I’ve been.  How far He’s brought me from where I came from.  It’s like He says, you are getting better, You hear me now.  Remember how you used to be? 

That’s when it happens.  The reality that He carried me through it all, smacks me right upside the head.  I was right there in Your arms.  It’s sad, but most of those times I wasn’t aware He was anywhere near me.  Thank you, Holy Spirit for reminding me….once again. 

When His light is shining through, I can think of a million reasons to trust that He works out everything for good, to those who believe.  And He does it through every season of our lives.  Some of the worst situations in my past have made me so much stronger than I would have been otherwise. He meant them for good.  He is patient unconditional love and forever forgiveness. 

Every moment of my life, He’s never left my side.  Every valley, mountain or storm He is here. Even in my worst mistakes, and there have been so many. And, when I feel totally alone, He is here.  He’ll be with me every step….I don’t need to know what happens next. 

Is anyone else as slow as I am at getting this right?  Remembering Him 24/7?  I think so, that’s why He gives mercy and grace to us all…everyday!

Never give up hope.  Father, please help us to focus more on You and less on ourselves.  Did I mention thank You for forgiving me…..again?

Be thankful in all things, especially when things aren’t going your way. Gratitude is the frequency that’s harmonious with abundance.